Angels of '97
SUGGESTIONS FOR TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF
Try to get
some rest. It is very difficult to sleep at first; therefore, take a few
minutes during the day to lie down, even if you only close your eyes and relax.
Do not get into the habit of taking alcohol or medication to help you sleep. If
you become dependent upon them, you will postpone your grief. You must walk
slowly, step by step, through your grief process. It is normal to cry at any time or place
for a long time. Crying releases emotions and may prevent physical ailments.
Fathers, as well as mothers, need to cry.
Further, you do not need to feel guilty the first time you smile or
laugh; you need to balance your tears with laughter. It will take awhile to begin
enjoying yourself again. Watch a comedy, read a humorous book, or surround
yourself with people who will help you to laugh again.
Find others
who will listen. You need to talk about your child and don't hesitate to tell
your story over and over again. It may be necessary for you to find several
good listeners, as many "friends" soon tire of your talking about
your deceased child. Keep a journal
of your thoughts and feelings, and eventually when you reread your journal, you
will see your progress. Since writing helps to release emotions, you may want
to write a letter to your child. You might write a poem or short article about
your child. Initially, you might keep your expressions private, but someday,
you may want to share them with others.
Soon you may
face the dilemma of answering the question, "How many children do you
have?" How you answer that question depends on your situation at the time.
You may say, "My son or daughter died." You may say,
"None". However, many parents feel guilty when they deny their
child's existence. Another possible answer is, "I had one daughter or
son." If the questioner is comfortable, he or she may ask you to tell your
story. When you are having a bad day and do not want to answer further
questions, you might reply, "Thank you for caring enough to ask, but this
has not been a good day for me. I really cannot talk about it."
HANDLING FRIENDS AND RELATIVES
Relatives
and friends can be very uncomfortable with your grief and therefore, they may
try to persuade you to do things for which you aren't ready. They may tell you
that you "should" feel better or that you "shouldn't" talk
about it. Only you know what is good for you; consequently, you should do only
what you find comfortable, even if it means not seeing some people for awhile.
Other people
may have set a time table on how long your grief should last. Coping with the
death of a child takes years, not weeks or months, and unless you have had a
child die, it's impossible to understand. Stick up for yourself; it is
difficult when you are not sure of anything. You know how you feel, so don't
let anyone tell you how to act, think, or feel.
Tell you
relatives and friends what you want them to do. If you want to be remembered at
anniversaries and holidays and they are remiss, let them know how it makes you
feel. Also, share with them that you want your child to be mentioned in
conversation. You may cry, but let them know it is normal and they are not the
cause of your crying. Let them know it is better for you to cry than for them
not to mention your child, which may cause you to grieve silently.
It is
helpful and healing to surround yourself with other bereaved parents. Find a
support group that you can attend regularly, as you need to see that survival
is possible. Ask for books, tapes, and newsletters on grief, because reading
and hearing how others are coping and progressing will help you. You may
develop a close relationship with someone who has faced a similar loss. You can
share you children's lives and ways of coping. Remember, when you attend those
first support meetings, you may be the only parent(s) who has/have endured the
death of an only child or all children. In most cases we are a minority in the
bereavement community. Many other bereaved parents are very kind, but most do
not understand our grief, just as those who are not bereaved do not understand
bereaved parents. You may encounter animosity from some bereaved parents as
some feel that your loss is no different than theirs. Remember it depends on
where a bereaved parent is in his/her grief as to how he/she may relate to you.
You may want
to seek professional counseling, and for this, you do not need to feel ashamed.
Who would say that your wound is less damaging than any physical injury that
requires medical attention? Consult with other bereaved parents as to the
competence of the professionals in your area. Feel comfortable in asking the
professionals what qualifications they have, their fee, what experience they
have had with bereaved parents, and if they have experience the death of a
child.
You are
suddenly childless. You are still a parent, but simply no longer a practicing
parent. You will always have the memories and love of your child and nothing
can take those memories from you. You need to channel the love and time that
you shared with your child in directions that will bring you peace, comfort,
and healing. The focus of your life
has changed, and finding a new focus is a difficult challenge. You may feel
that you face a lonely, frightening, gloomy life without children, in-laws, or
grandchildren. Gradually, you will make new friends with other bereaved
parents. These friends can form a support network for your future. You may
reinvest in life in many ways; become a foster parent, adopt other children, or
develop close relationships with nieces, nephews, your child's friends, or your
friends' children. However, you may decide to give up the parent role and in
doing so, you could reinvest in life by helping others or supporting a cause in
memory of your child.
You may keep
your child's memories alive by taking vestiges of the past and making them a
part of your present and future. Do not rearrange you child's room or dispose
of his or her possessions too soon. It is normal to want to spend time in your
child's room and surround yourself with his or her clothing, toys, and favorite
belongings. Yet some parents cannot
enter their child's room, and for some, there is no room. You may eventually
want to take some of your child's clothing and have a quilt or picture made or
you may feel comfortable wearing some of your child's clothing or jewelry. You
may also wish to incorporate some of your child's toys or collectibles into
your home decor so your child will always be a part of your daily life.
You may
choose to live in a way that will commemorate your child's life. You could try
to accomplish what your child might have done if he or she had lived. Do
something constructive in memory of your child. You can set up a memorial fund,
donate books to institutions, plant trees, or help others. Whatever you choose
to do, you will keep your child's memory alive and in your heart. Please know that someday you will not
feel as badly as you do today. Your hard grief work, which uses time to
advantage, will help you heal.
Also, you are not alone in your grief. There are many bereaved parents
who have traveled or are traveling a similar road to reinvestment.
One day you
will awaken and your child will not be your first thought. You will go to sleep
one night and your child will not be your last waking thought; then you will
know that you are healing. You will always remember your child and the love
that you shared and realizing that, you can reinvest in a new life in which
your child will always play a part.